Ang simula ng taon ay nagpapahiwatig na bagong liwanag at bagong buhay para sa karamihan, ngunit para sa mga Senior-slash-graduating students, ito ay kinakatakutan at kakaba-kaba. Ito ang panahon ng paglabas ng mga resulta ng college entrance exams.

Tandang-tanda ko pa ang mga panahong ako ang nasa kalagayan nila. Talaga namang nakakakaba dahil dito nakasalalay ang future mo. Paano na lang kung hindi ako nakapasa sa dream school ko? Sa dream course ko? Paano na lang? Ano na ang gagawin ko? Malamang tinatanong din nila yan sa sarili nila. Dahil ako noong mga panahong iyon, paulit-ulit kong tinatanong yan sa sarili ko at patuloy na ginagambala ang magulong utak ko. Nakakatakot.

Naalala ko nung nakita ko ang Ateneo entrance exam results sa internet, wala dun ang pangalan ko. Nakakalungkot pero tanggap ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Ayos lang kahit hindi sa Ateneo, basta sa UP makapasa ako." One dream school down.

Hinintay ko ang resulta ng UP. Kinakabahan pa rin ako. At ayun, dumating na rin ang pinakahihintay na resulta nang lahat: UPCAT results. Nakakalungkot pero hindi pa rin ako pumasa. Hindi ko inaasahan na pumasa ako dun dahil nung tinake ko yung exam na yun, sobrang sumakit ang ulo ko. Hindi ko kinaya ang Math at Science nila. Disappointed ako, syempre. Another dream school down. Wala na yung dalawa kong dream schools.

Halos gumuho ang mundo ko. Kung ako lang sana yung na-disappoint, ayos lang sakin. Pero.. I also let my parents down. Yun talaga yun eh. Yun yung inaalala ko. Paano na lang kung Ateneo at UP lang ang kinuhanan ko ng exam? Buti na lang sinabi kong mag-take ako ng UST.

Ayan, USTET results na. Natatakot ako baka hindi ako pumasa dahil dun sa talent test. Inaamin ko hindi ko ginalingan dun. Kaya ang kinalabasan, Academic Placement ako. Pero ayos lang, at least pasado. Masaya na ko nun.

Umaasa akong papasa ako ng Benilde. Oo, confident akong papasa ako nun. Pero naiisip ko nun, kung sakaling pumasa man ako, hindi rin naman ako dun mag-aaral. Nalulungkot ako dahil dun ko talaga gusto. Kahit malayo. Akala ko wala akong choice. Akala ko sa UST na ako mag-aaral. Akala ko kukuha na ako ng kursong malayong-malayo sa Arts at hindi ko naman gusto. Akala ko malulunod na ang mundo ko sa mga formulas at solutions ng Math at memorizations ng Science at iba pa. Akala ko..

Pero yun pala, nasa akin lang yung sagot. Matagal kong pinag-isipan kung saan ba talaga, kung saan ako magiging masaya, kung saan ako mag-aaral. Pinag-isipan kong mabuti iyon. I weighed everything down. Lahat ng mga views, bagay, rason, paraan, sinasabi ng ibang tao, sinasabi ko, at sinasabi ng puso ko. Mahalaga sa akin kung anong sasabihin ng mga magulang at kapatid ko kung pinili kong sabihin sa kanila na gusto ko mag-aral sa Benilde. Kaya pinag-isipan ko yung kamahalan ng tuition, layo, at lahat na. Ayoko kasing maging burden sa kanila pagdating sa mga ganung bagay. Hindi kasi nila ako pinagcocommute kaya alam kong hatid-sundo pa rin ako at alam kong magiging mahirap.

I prepared myself to everything that can happen. I was willing to do anything just to study in Benilde.

Ayoko kasi nung mag-aaral lang ako dahil kelangan. Mag-aaral ako dito at ito ang pag-aaralan ko dahil iyon ang gusto ng ibang tao para sa akin. Edi sila na lang dapat nag-aral diba? Hindi ako. Ako kasi yung taong gustong may ma-fulfill, lalo na ang pagiging masaya sa buhay. Gusto ko hanapin kung ano ang rason at purpose ko sa mundo. At gusto ko namuhay ako bilang ako. Ako yung taong maraming pangarap at gusto kong abutin lahat ng iyon. Ako yung taong pinag-iisipan ko ang kinabukasan ko, mahilig akong magplano.

Nagpapasalamat ako na may nagbukas ng mata ko at nagbigay sa akin ng lakas ng loob para gumawa ng final decision. Tinanong ko sakanya, "Does the heart ever go wrong in making decisions?" Sabi niya, depende. At kinwento ko ang buong kwento. Sinabi niya, "Don't make distance a hindrance to your dreams. ...3 or 4 years of driving you to and from school won't hurt them. Tingnan mo ako, ilang beses ako ni-reject ng iba't ibang universities dyan for Economics, pero hindi ako tumigil. Kaya nasa Singapore ako ngayon. Kahit malayo, pero dahil gusto ko, ayos lang. Proud ako sa'yo dahil alam mo kung anong gusto mo. At sana ipaglaban mo yan. I'm 100% at your back on this." Hindi talaga yan yung sinabi niya dahil mas mahaba pa diyan yun, pero yan ang natatandaan kong thought.

Proud din ako sa sarili ko dahil alam ko kung anong gusto ko. Hindi lang kung anong gusto ng mga magulang ko at kung ano ang uso ngayon. Proud ako na naipakita kong kaya kong gumawa ng desisyon para sa sarili ko. Proud ako na naipaglaban ko iyon. Sabi ng kuya ko, "Grabe si Cha 'tol noh, tayo nun basta makapasa at makagraduate okay na. Pero si Cha alam niya talaga gusto niya." Napa-smile lang ako dun.

Mababaw para sa iba na iniyakan ko 'tong bagay na 'to pero mahalaga siya para sa akin.

Iniisip ko kung hindi ko ginawa ito, malamang magiging iba ang buhay ko. Hindi ko makikilala ang mga taong kilala ko ngayon at sobrang nagpapasalamat ako na nakilala ko sila. Sila kasi yung mga taong konting panahon mo pa lang nakakasama pero parang matagal na kayong magkakakilala. Iniisip ko rin kung ganito ako magiging kasaya ngayon kung sa ibang college ako nag-aral. Iniisip ko rin kung nakapasa ako ng UP o Ateneo, ganito rin kaya ang buhay ko? Malamang iba. Ibang-iba.

Kaya masaya ako kung nasaan ako ngayon. Hindi ko talaga pinagsisihan yung ginawa ko at nalaman ko ang sobrang suporta ng family ko sa akin kahit ano pa man ang gusto ko. Akala ko magiging mahirap, pero hindi pala.

Marami akong natutunan sa experience kong 'yan. Grabe noh? Siguro maliit lang na bagay yan sa iba at parang binabalewala lang nila, pero sa akin, sobrang big deal. Iba-iba nga tayo bilang tao. Lahat tayo iba-iba ang mga pananaw at paninindigan.

Kaya sa mga estudyante dyan na ganito ang nararamdaman kagaya sa akin ngayon, alam ko ang nararamdaman niyo. Trust me, I know. And the heart doesn't go wrong in making this kind of decision. Follow what your heart tells you, you won't regret it. I swear. I can attest to that!

It doesn't matter if your choice is wrong or right for as long as you love what you do and happy and content, it is never wrong for believing in your dreams and wanting to achieve it has never been wrong.

--

These are just some of the quotes that inspired me during these times.

Centuries of wisdom never improved on this advice: listen to your heart.

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or or moments that could have been good but weren't or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly.

To realize one's destiny, is a person's only obligation.

"My heart is afraid that it will suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search for its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

"Wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."

-The Alchemist

--

I once read that few people follow what their heart says because they are afraid to take the risk and they think that they'd just end up getting hurt. And the heart doesn't like to suffer, so they choose safer risks. But the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. The heart bleeds more when you don't follow what it says. After I read that I asked, "But will they be happy?" I swore I won't be like those people, but I think I might end up to be just like them.

I always believe in listening to what my heart says, I guess I always will. But I will never get to follow what it says. I never got to follow what it said, when I had the chance and the choice in my hands.
-me

That was me back when I was a senior highschool, probably just starting to fill up my college application forms. Found that on my old wallpapers folder.

Why am I always the friend or best friend, and not the girlfriend?

Is there something wrong?

I know there isn't.

But why does it keep on happening?

Is God just making the best love story for me?

I hope so.

God, I said I have no time for love. And that I should not have time for love for now. But why do I keep on thinking about it? Why do I revolve around it? Why am I so crazy about it? It's driving me insane. I'm so tired of thinking about it. I am so tired. I hate thinking about it.

I want to wait. But I do not want to expect anymore. I do not want to expect anymore.

I'll just end up getting hurt and disappointed.

--
Hey you! Tangina you! I don't want to be some crazy ass stalker because of you, damnit! What the hell did you do to me? I was doing fine when new year started and here you are, making me think about you again? Pakker. Pakker you. And I wasn't like this before, you know? And you made me. Shit, stalker shit. I don't want this.

Seatmate is just fine. I searched him on Fster and that's just it. Call it stalking but it's really not. He's quiet and mysterious, that's why I became curious. But yours was worse. I knew your birthday, your DA account, your Fster, your Multiply, your YM, your name, age, block, course, your email, your girlfriend's name, your interests, your hobbies, how you're really good at drawing, digital arts, dancing, drums, your high school, and all the basics. I have had connections; say my close friend is tight friends with your barkada back in high school.

You drawn me to you even more which I hate and love at the same time. I realized how sweet, caring, nice, talented, and understanding you are which I also hate and love at the same time because you're almost like what I ever wanted.

See, how crazy was that? Spell, S-T-U-P-I-D. If only I am a HP character, I would Stupefy! myself.

I was doing fine until that story came. Your block mate told my block mate for us to stop. We did. I did. As new year came, I told myself that I won't have time for love as my new year's resolution this year. I was doing fine until our block friend told me some story about your conversation the day before, during our Filipino class. I was doing fine. And.. now, I'm back to being some crazy little fella. WTF! Pakker you.

I'm avoiding you, you know. Yet I want to see you. How ironic. The time when I wanted to see you, I won't; and the time I don't expect to see you, I do. Every time I accidentally look at your way on the big crowd along the hallway, I see you looking. I mean, WTF? WTF! Pakker you.

My time was over. Now's your time. PAKKER YOU.

I really don't know you. I don't know what you are thinking. We're not friends. But we know each other. So I guess, I'll leave it at that. Until then. Anything is possible. Ultimately possible.

Fuck.

Change is inevitable.

Bakit ba napaka-drama ko? Ayoko ng ganito. Hindi ako emo. Hindi naman kasi talaga. Ngunit nagkaroon ako ng label na emo noong high school. Hindi ko alam bakit eh. Emo daw ako. Pero tinatanggi kong emo ako. Kasi hindi naman talaga ako emo. Yun ang alam ko. Ano ba ang naging basehan nila? Hindi naman ako nakikinig talaga ng emo music. Alam kong hindi emo yung pinapakinggan ko, pero sabi nila emo daw. Ano kaya yun? O baka madalas nila akong napupuna na nakikinig ng musikang hindi nila alam, tipong mala-rock genre. Madalas wala sa mainstream. Nasa ikatlong taon ako ng high school nun, hindi pa nila talaga kilala ang My Chemical Romance, The Used, at kung ano pa mang banda na hindi naglaon ay sumikat na rin at naging mainstream. Marami na ring nagkagusto sa musikang pinapakinggan ko noon. Siguro nasabi rin nilang emo ako dahil madalas akong mag-rock on sign pag nagppicture taking ang seksyon namin, may kasama pang one-sided bangs. So, emo na yun? Hindi. Para sa akin, hindi. Pero para sa kanila, oo. Pero hindi talaga emo yun eh. Sa tingin nyo? Hay nako. Basta alam ko hindi talaga.

At naaalala ko, sobrang ayoko ng hiphop at rap nun. Sinusumpa ko 'yung genre na 'yun noon. Kasi naman, ang pinag-uusapan lang nila dun, pera, babae, kasikatan nila, yaman nila, pera, pera, babae, babae. Sa tingin ko, walang kwenta ang pinagsasabi nila 'dun kaya sobrang ayoko siya. Maliban na lang sa iba gaya nila Usher, Alicia Keys, Black Eyed Peas at Pussycat Dolls. Marahil nakapagtataka na ayoko ng hiphop noon kasi sumasayaw ako. Ano pa bang sasayawin ko noon kundi hiphop? Nagbe-break dance rin ako nun. Ironic nga e.

Hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin ako. Ayoko pa rin masyado ng hiphop, lalo naman ang rap. Pero mas napalawak naman ang pakikinig ko sa hiphop. Unti-unti na 'ring nanunumbalik ang pagkagusto ko sa kanya. Napagtanto ko kasi na hindi naman pala lahat ng hiphop na kanta, walang kwenta. Nagugustuhan ko rin sya dahil sa beat niya. Yun tipong napapasayaw ka. Hehe. May mga iilan lang talaga na hindi ko trip. Ganun naman talaga dba? Kanya-kanyang trip.

Hanggang ngayon, mahal ko pa rin ang pagsasayaw. Namimiss ko na nga sumayaw kasama 'yung mga kasama ko noon. Namimiss kong mag-practice at ma-frustrate sa pagsasayaw. Alam ko kasi na hindi ako magaling, pero napagtanto ko rin na, siguro nakikita nila na mayroon akong talento dun kaya pinipilit nila ako na laging sumali sa kanila. Gusto ko makita ang sarili kong sumayaw ulit, baka sakali nag-improve ako. Namimiss ko rin ang sumasakit ang ulo ko dahil sa paghe-head stand at ang sumasakit ang buong katawan dahil sa hindi magawang freeze at patuloy na nahuhulog. Buti hindi ako nabalian ng buto. Masaya naman kasi matutong mag-break dance. Wala sa mukha kong nagbe-break dance ako noh? Hehe. Hindi naman ako magaling. Kaya ko lang ang head stand, baby freeze, six-step at toprock. Kumbaga, yung mga basics. Pero sobrang hanga ako sa mga totoong breakdancers. Kung makikita mo sila, akala mo ang dali-dali pero pag ikaw na ang gumagawa, sobrang hirap pala. Tapos habang pinapanood mo sila, akala mo parang wala na silang buto sa katawan.

Maraming nagbago, marami ring nanatiling ganun pa rin. Hindi naman ako nagbago talaga e. May mga ilan lang na bagay sa 'kin na nagbago pero para sa ikabubuti. May mga ilang bagay na naging malabo para sa'kin at hanggang ngayon, hinahanap ko pa rin yung bagay para makapagpalinaw dun.
Kagaya na lang ng ibang parte ng sarili ko, may mga bagay na sadyang hindi ko maintindihan. Nasa stage lang siguro ako ng pagbabago, ng patuloy na pagkilala sa sarili ko. May ilang bagay pa rin sa sarili ko na nawawala, hanggang ngayon, patuloy ko pa ring hinahanap iyon at pinupulot. Unti-unti na ring nabubuo at may mga panibagong parte na nabubuo sa puzzle ng buhay ko. Mga parte na mas maliwanag, mas maganda, mas nakabubuti.

Dati kasi, madilim ang mundo ko. Ikinulong ko ang sarili ko sa pader na ginawa ko. Hindi ko hinayaang may makagambala sa mga pader na iyon. Hindi ko hinayaang may makapasok sa mundo ko. Isang mundong mas malalim pa sa pinakamalalim na katawan ng dagat sa buong mundo. Hindi, sobra naman yata 'yun. Hehe. Ang sinasabi ko lang, isang mundo yun na hindi nakikita ng mga tao. Kumbaga, isang parte ng sarili ko na sarili ko lang ang nakakakita. Isang madilim, malalim at malungkot na mundo. Pero noon yun. Maliwanag na siya ngayon, may kaunting parte pa ring madilim, pero mas nangingibabaw ang kaliwanagan. Masaya na rin, pero may kaunti pa ring kalungkutan. Hindi naman nawawala yun e. Hindi lang nagbago ang kalaliman ng mundo ko. Siguro may parte lang na mababaw, may parte na mas lumalim, meron naman ding ganun pa rin. Parang dagat. Kaunti pa lang ang mga taong hinayaan kong makapasok sa mundo kong iyon. Ultimo nanay at tatay ko, hindi pa sila masyadong nakakapasok dun e. Nasa mababaw lang silang parte ng dagat. Pero balang araw, pag handa na ako, kaya ko na ipakita yung mundong akong ako.

Kayo, medyo nakikita nyo yung mundo kong iyon. Sa totoo lang, nakikita nyo talaga eh.

Hindi ko pa rin masyadong masagot kung sino o ano ako sa ngayon. Balang araw, malalaman ko ng buo. Matagal pa 'yun. Pag nalaman ko na anong dahilan ko sa mundong ito, nagampanan ko na ang dapat kong gampanan, nagawa ko na ang dapat kong gawin, nakapagbago ako ng buhay ng isang tao at kung ano pa man nag meron sa buhay, malalaman ko na nun. Siguro. Matanda na 'ko nun. Pwede na 'ko mamatay pag nangyari yun. Patuloy tayong nabubuhay dahil may mga bagay tayong kailangang tapusin at gawin. Kaya pag nangyari nga 'yung mga bagay na iyon sa 'kin, pwede na akong mamatay. At masaya akong mamamatay dahil nabuhay ako sa mundo nang may kahulugan.

Pero matagal pa 'yun. Mahaba pang daan ang lalakbayin ko. Masaya akong nabubuhay ako.

Hahanapin ko pa rin talaga anong meron at bakit ganito kalalim ang pinagsusulat ko ngayon. Hehehe. :)

MAKINA.

Tila maraming bagay ang gumugulo sa utak ko. Dalawang linggo na pala akong nagkakaganito, hindi ko pa rin alam ang problema ko. O baka, pilit ko lang iniisip na wala akong problema kahit alam kong meron. Pero hindi eh, alam kong may problema ako. Hindi ko lang siya pinapansin. Hindi rin naman siya nagpapapansin talaga. Napapansin ko lang pag nag-iisa ako o kung wala akong magawa.

Oo, alam kong may problema ako. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano 'yun. Galing noh? Ang saya talaga. Ganun ako lagi.

Baka naman may topak na ako? O baka may mali sa akin? Hehe. Wag naman sana. Wala naman siguro noh.

Ang alam ko lang, may kulang pa. Marahil kumpleto na ang buhay ko para sa iba. Marahil akala nila, kumpleto na ang buhay ko. Siguro, malapit na. Pero may kulang pa e. Marami pa. Hahanapin ko pa 'yun.

Ah, alam ko na! May topak lang siguro ang buhay ko ngayon. Hindi lang siguro ako sanay. Pero hindi eh, dalawang buwan ko nang ginagawa 'to. Dapat sanay na ako.

Grabe, sarili ko lang siguro ang problema ko. May kelangan lang akong ayusin. Ulit. Akala ko naayos ko na nun e, hindi pa pala. Nagkaproblema ulit ang makina, kelangan na talaga ipaayos.

Nga pala, magandang desisyon ang pagbalik ko sa pagbblog. Dahil kung hindi ako bumalik sa pagbblog, nabaliw na siguro ako ngayon dahil hindi ko 'to naisusulat ngayon.

Sana samahan niyo ko sa pag-ayos ng makina ko. Ma-drama dba? Naiinis ako dahil ma-drama akong tao. Pero ganun eh. Hayaan niyo na lang ako. Hindi 'to bagay sa 'kin sa totoong buhay(oo, ngayon, it's all in the mind, kathang-isip mo lang 'tong pagbabasa ng entry na 'to ngayon). Kasi madalas natatawa ang mga tao sa 'kin, makulit ako, at makikita niyo talaga akong tumatawa. Yung tawang nakakabaliw ba.

Hmm.. bigla na lang pumasok sa isip ko yung sinabi sa 'kin ng Science teacher ko nung 1st year high school. Gumawa kasi kami ng book bilang proyekto namin noon sa T.L.E. Sa katapusan ng taon, pinasulat ko lahat ng mga teachers at malapit na kaibigan doon. Sinabi niya dun, "Pinatunayan mo sa akin ang "Silent waters run deep."" Syempre na-touch naman ako dun. Tahimik kasi ako, kuno. Pero oo, tahimik ako sa umpisa. Pero makulit akong tao. Pag wala ako sa bahay, tahimik. Syempre, namimiss nila ako kasi walang makulit at maingay. Hehehe.

O ayan, medyo nalihis na sa main topic ang sinasabi ko. Medyo nawala yung mga bagay na gumugulo sa utak ko. Pero pagkatapos ng lahat ng kwentuhan at pag-alala sa nakaraan, bumabalik siya.

Hayaan ko na lang. Aayusin ko 'to. Ayokong pabayaan na, at gawin ang nakasanayan kong tumakas na lang. Aayusin ko talaga 'to. Aayusin ko ang makina ko.

Meron pa pala kaming group report sa Sociology namin sa Tuesday. Wala pa akong nagagawa. Wala pa kaming nagagawa. Pano kasi, wala akong ginawa nung weekend kundi matulog. Galing talaga ng makina ko. Tama na, masyado na 'tong seryoso. Hindi bagay.

11:24 pm 11.14.07

She is happy and contented with her life. She fell down but got the guts to stand up. Hundreds of tears already fell from her eyes but still managed to smile and laugh.

She is happy and contented with her life. She is lucky for having her life, her family and her friends. She is lucky to be surrounded by great people who loves her.

She is happy and contented with her life. She got what she wanted. She had her destiny rolling into her own hands. She knows what she wants. She has dreams she wants to achieve. She knows how to fight for what she wants. She knows how to listen to her heart -- a heart that has been lost, shattered into pieces, left broken, isolated and fragile.

She is happy and contented with her life. She knows what is right from wrong. She has wisdom. She has faith. She has love in her heart. She has her own beliefs. She knows how to deal with life's pressures. She is optimistic. She knows how to be strong for herself. She knows how to make right decisions.

She is happy and contented with her life. She is responsibly aware of her actions. She is smart, intelligent and witty. She basically is, beauty and brains. She is gifted. She is talented. She lived an above normal life. She was never bullied. She always fit in to the crowd without changing who she is. She is nice. She is not mean.

She is happy and contented with her life. Yet her heart is bleeding, tears continuously falling from her eyes. She likes to escape. She gets away with it smoothly, knowing time would put it all in place.

She is happy and contented. She thought there was nothing wrong. But deep down, she knew there was. She was hurting. She is hurting.

But what's sad is she does not know what is wrong. She does not know what is missing. She does not know what is incomplete. She does not know why she cries. She does not know why she becomes sad. She does not know why she is bleeding. It doesn't show. But she is.

She is happy and contented. She is happy and contented. She is happy and contented. She is.. she.. she.. sh.. sh... ERROR.

She thought she was happy and contented.

I know I am happy and contented. I know. I know. I KN... HEART BURSTS IN 3..2..1.

I do not know why and what is wrong.

In the blogging world, everyone knows each other. Not everyone, everyone, but it's like a cycle. People are linked to each other's blogs and when they bloghophophop... tadah! They get connected to each other through those links. Duh, that's why it's called a link. What I mean is that, they bloghop, comment, and next thing they are reading each other's blogs daily and they exchange links. I've done that a lot of times already way backkk. And now I'm lazy to do that.

But whenever I do, I just get frustrated. I really am strucked with the way people write. The fact that they have lots to talk about, they have opinions on things, they get to put metaphors on their writings, they make you feel how they feel, and the very fact that they don't put all their randomness in their sites is just.. whoa!

Anyway, I went bloghopping last night and as I said, I am really amazed by the way how people write these days. They write their thoughts VERY well. I just don't get how they do it. Or maybe, I just don't know how to do it like that. I am pretty much literal, blah and plain.

I've been away from the blogging world for almost 1 year and when I came back for real, it really surprised me how the blogging world pretty much changed and had new people in it. The old old bloggers I knew are not here anymore but there still are those old bloggers left. Everyone and everything is just new that I have to familiarize myself with it all over again.

Their graphic design skills is whacked too! Very attractive and creative.

I don't know if these bloggers will inspire me to be better or just make me feel bad about myself. I know I should not feel bad but it's just what I feel. I wasn't like this before.

I lack inspiration. I lack creativity. I lack organization.

Laziness comes to me first. I hate it.

Now that I am in college and a Multimedia Arts major, a thing which I love doing the most, this should be the time to be more inspired to do well and get more creative. Now's the time that I should try to squeeze MOREEE creative juices out from my freakin' brain. But it has become the opposite. I get discouraged and frustrated easily. I get pressured with a lot of things. I THINK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS. Sometimes, I think that I just think too much.

But today, I realize more that I have really lost myself and I can't seem to find some of the shattered pieces still.

I AM HAPPY and contented with my life right now. I really am. But I don't know why I feel this way.

A person said to me just 2 hours ago, "Hindi na kita kilala." I don't know why but I haven't changed a freakin' bit! It's still me. I'm still the same old me, only better.

But I want to be better than better. I just don't know how to and if there's still something better than better already. I need discipline but I don't know how to get me discipline myself in such a way that I will be really disciplined. All my life, I've been organizing my life. I have my plans and my goals. But I don't seem to even cross-out two of them in a month! Talk about being a life organizer. It's no use.

Maybe I just need something that I have yet to know.

Or maybe.. I just need more drama in my life. WTF, more drama? I'm such a dramatic/emotional person and I'm still needing more drama in my life? WTF. But then, my life now is not as dramatic as it had been before. It's okay, fine, good, great, or better yet described as smooth-sailing.

Now is that a good or bad thing?
--

1:18am
11.14.07

After 1 year and 3 months, I got to read the stories I posted here. Yay. It made me reflect back during those times I was still stupid. You know how things are when you're young: inexperienced, stupid, and impulsive. Gah. I can tell that during that interval of time, I have really learned a lot. I have changed into someone better. I emerged stronger and better. It made me feel really good after I have finally moved on. It made me realize about things, about life, about the world.

Reflecting back, I see the old me, still young and stupid. But that young and stupid girl was full of strength. She's someone who never gives up. She never loses hope and she knows what's right from wrong. I miss that girl. It's not that I do not know what's right from wrong anymore. I do know. What I really miss is the fact that that girl never gives up and never loses hope, someone full of strength and light in her eyes. She can handle things, even if it is difficult.

Right now, I really need that girl. The old me, I miss her. I don't know what certain reason made that girl fly away from the me now. I miss the positivity I bring about to everyone, even to myself. I miss the fighting spirit I have. I miss the way I handle things and manage my life. I miss the way how I never lose hope. I miss the girl I was before.

I don't know, maybe I am just so preoccupied with things. A LOT OF THINGS. I've graduated high school already, went to college on a trimester basis. I am happy. But there's always this BUT when I say "I am happy". I wanna say I am happy. Just that, no ifs and no buts.

Maybe, I am just too stressed with things I should do. And should have done. And should not have done. Maybe I just think a lot. Maybe I should just take it easy, just like what a friend said.

I changed for the better. But there's this part of me that's left. It's a big part of me, and it's something that I need to go back and look for. I may have dropped it accidentally while I was on my way to the light. I have dropped my one and only weapon; a weapon I use to see the light. I didn't want to let go of it. But I guess, I just did, obliviously. I know, it sucks. I hate it. What can I do now, right?

I should live the present, the now. I shall not dwell on the past. I shall think of the future. But live for today. It may be easily said, but it's hard to play the role. Life's hard but you gotta deal with it. It's not something you can just throw away. It'll be hard to find it back.

Anyway, while I was reading my posts.. I was laughing and commenting on the stories. It was really funny. I mean, way back, maybe I was crying and being sad with the stuff but now.. I realize how stupid I am for being that way. But then again, it's not something I regret anymore. At least, I experienced that thing. Being hurt, and all. It was a special thing. It's something I will carry on as I go by. At least, the next time I'm gonna have to deal with these stuff, I know what to do. And I will be less stupid already. :)

Sometimes, I wish things would go the the way back when things were still simple. Things have changed, and it became really complicated. It's sad. Then again, it's something we have to face and deal with.

I miss the happy faces and enlightening smiles I see on the faces of the people I love the most. It rarely happens now. :(