Why am I always the friend or best friend, and not the girlfriend?

Is there something wrong?

I know there isn't.

But why does it keep on happening?

Is God just making the best love story for me?

I hope so.

God, I said I have no time for love. And that I should not have time for love for now. But why do I keep on thinking about it? Why do I revolve around it? Why am I so crazy about it? It's driving me insane. I'm so tired of thinking about it. I am so tired. I hate thinking about it.

I want to wait. But I do not want to expect anymore. I do not want to expect anymore.

I'll just end up getting hurt and disappointed.

--
Hey you! Tangina you! I don't want to be some crazy ass stalker because of you, damnit! What the hell did you do to me? I was doing fine when new year started and here you are, making me think about you again? Pakker. Pakker you. And I wasn't like this before, you know? And you made me. Shit, stalker shit. I don't want this.

Seatmate is just fine. I searched him on Fster and that's just it. Call it stalking but it's really not. He's quiet and mysterious, that's why I became curious. But yours was worse. I knew your birthday, your DA account, your Fster, your Multiply, your YM, your name, age, block, course, your email, your girlfriend's name, your interests, your hobbies, how you're really good at drawing, digital arts, dancing, drums, your high school, and all the basics. I have had connections; say my close friend is tight friends with your barkada back in high school.

You drawn me to you even more which I hate and love at the same time. I realized how sweet, caring, nice, talented, and understanding you are which I also hate and love at the same time because you're almost like what I ever wanted.

See, how crazy was that? Spell, S-T-U-P-I-D. If only I am a HP character, I would Stupefy! myself.

I was doing fine until that story came. Your block mate told my block mate for us to stop. We did. I did. As new year came, I told myself that I won't have time for love as my new year's resolution this year. I was doing fine until our block friend told me some story about your conversation the day before, during our Filipino class. I was doing fine. And.. now, I'm back to being some crazy little fella. WTF! Pakker you.

I'm avoiding you, you know. Yet I want to see you. How ironic. The time when I wanted to see you, I won't; and the time I don't expect to see you, I do. Every time I accidentally look at your way on the big crowd along the hallway, I see you looking. I mean, WTF? WTF! Pakker you.

My time was over. Now's your time. PAKKER YOU.

I really don't know you. I don't know what you are thinking. We're not friends. But we know each other. So I guess, I'll leave it at that. Until then. Anything is possible. Ultimately possible.

Fuck.

The her who almost ruined everything

It happened back in 2006. There were things that happened before that but that year was the peak of everything-- where the truth came out, where voices were heard, where there were a lot of back stabbing and foolishness, where there were a lot of heartaches and tears.

It was sad and still sad that until now, it's not resolved yet. They think the case is already closed but as an observer of both sides, I know it still isn't. The heat is still there. No matter what we do, whenever we get together for coffee or whatsoever, the topic of her continues to haunt our lives and end up ruining the day.

To tell you all the truth, I was so mad at her. I still slightly am. But what can I do? The anger won't do anything! And my brother still won't listen to us, most especially to me, who has been deeply hurt and angered by someone else's problems-- their fights and conflicts. I got involved to the point where my brother told me to never communicate with my friend of almost 5 years who had played a special part of his life before. It was like he was telling me who to befriend and who to not which of course, was really unfair on my part. They were involving me in a problem I wasn't even really involved in the first place!

Ah, love! How can love make people so numb and stupid when it is supposed to make you feel otherwise? I don't get how my brother get to be happy with her when everyone in our family is against her? We don't get along well with her anymore! We know what's she doing outside the relationship and we don't like her simply because we know she will only put our loved one in pain. We told my brother a gazillion times already about her and still he won't listen. Ah, how a stupid love can work that way!

I got to talk to her just today while I was on my way to school. She called on our wireless telephone and talked to my brother who was driving that time. She wanted to talk to me and so she did. She went back here to Manila just last December so she asked me how I was. I said I was okay because I really was. But somehow the call and the talking, yes, it pissed me off. I thought they were over December of last year? Or even before December of last year? My brother even called the guys to go out and drink. And they're talking now? But seeing how my brother was very happy, energetic, and smiling widely when the call ended, it got me thinking..

Actually, she is a nice girl. She's pretty and charming. She's smart and very friendly. We got along really well the first years she came to our lives. But you know, we won't like her if she didn't do anything bad. It first started on the band issue and it became bigger! Making it reach to other heights and issues that it became too complicated and messed up, just like Hollywood showbiz.

I was thinking that if they really love each other, then the girl should show up to us. She hasn't showed up since early last year because of the issue! Fck that. At least, the girl in my brother's past still has contact to us, and I mean, everyone of us! She did her best to try to explain her side and clear her name to all of us which we appreciate a lot. But what about her? We haven't seen her and even the shadow her for almost a year! What do you call that? A coward? And she's telling us that she thought my brother would defend and fight for her? Fuck that man. My brother can't handle everything. In a relationship, to make it strong, both persons should work to fight for it and not just depend on one person to fight for you. Am I right or am I wrong?

If they really love each other, she should explain herself. We are just waiting for her to come, you know. We all are waiting for a very long time. And I am really looking forward to have this issue resolved because if not, this will continue to haunt us forever.

If she explain her side, she should also ask for a second chance. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? If she really wants to get along with us just like the old days for the sake of my brother and their relationship, she should sincerely ask for that second chance. I am pretty sure the people on our side would accept that. And I also hope that these people would be open-minded and adultly enough to accept that second chance. Because I am open for that chance. And she should show to us that she's worthy of everything my brother and everyone else just gave up for her and my brother's happiness. People lost jobs and been broke; tight family ties were ruined and friendships were put to trash; heads ached and hearts got broken. Just because of her, everyone's life is messed up. And it's so hard to get it back to the way it used to be-- the way were everything else was just simple and happy.

Again, as an observer of both sides, it really pains me to see it that way. I know it would be ultimately hard to get it back to the way it used to be. Everyone has moved on with their lives and trying to put it back together again, you know? Even if it is hard, people involved has no choice but to move on and continue living their lives.

I am hoping and praying that at the very least, this 2008, this thing will be patched up to release every burden this issue has put on everyone else's backs and hearts, most especially my brother's. I know it has been really hard for him but seeing him happy will make us more than happy for him.

Until this issue will be resolved, that's when I think, where everything will put itself on its right place -- the way it used to be or even better than that.
--

The friend who almost ruined our family

Yes, it happened back in 2006. There were things that happened before that but 2006 was the peak of everything-- where the truth came out, where voices were heard, where there were a lot of back stabbing and foolishness, where there were a lot of heartaches and tears.

It was sad and still sad that until now, it's not resolved yet. They think the case is already closed but as an observer of both sides, I know it still isn't. The heat is still there. No matter what we do, whenever we get together for coffee or whatsoever, the topic of her continues to haunt our lives and end up ruining the day.

To tell you all the truth, I was so mad at her. I still slightly am. But what can I do? The anger won't do anything! And my brother still won't listen to us, most especially to me, who has been deeply hurt and angered by someone else's problems-- their fights and conflicts. I got involved to the point where my brother told me to never communicate with my friend of almost 5 years who had played a special part of his life before. It was like he was telling me who to befriend and who to not which of course, was really unfair on my part. They were involving me in a problem I wasn't even really involved in the first place!

Ah, love! How can love make people so numb and stupid when it is supposed to make you feel otherwise? I don't get how my brother get to be happy with her when everyone in our family is against her? We don't get along well with her anymore! We know what's she doing outside the relationship and we don't like her simply because we know she will only put our loved one in pain. We told my brother a gazillion times already about her and still he won't listen. Ah, how a stupid love can work that way!

I got to talk to her just today while I was on my way to school. She called on our wireless telephone and talked to my brother who was driving that time. She wanted to talk to me and so she did. She went back here to Manila just last December so she asked me how I was. I said I was okay because I really was. But somehow the call and the talking, yes, it pissed me off. I thought they were over December of last year? Or even before December of last year? My brother even called the guys to go out and drink. And they're talking now? But seeing how my brother was very happy, energetic, and smiling widely when the call ended, it got me thinking..

Actually, she is a nice girl. She's pretty and charming. She's smart and very friendly. We got along really well the first years she came to our lives. But you know, we won't like her if she didn't do anything bad. It first started on the band issue and it became bigger! Making it reach to other heights and issues that it became too complicated and messed up, just like Hollywood showbiz.

I was thinking that if they really love each other, then the girl should show up to us. She hasn't showed up since early last year because of the issue! Fck that. At least, the girl in my brother's past still has contact to us, and I mean, everyone of us! She did her best to try to explain her side and clear her name to all of us which we appreciate a lot. But what about her? We haven't seen her and even the shadow her for almost a year! What do you call that? A coward? And she's telling us that she thought my brother would defend and fight for her? Fuck that man. My brother can't handle everything. In a relationship, to make it strong, both persons should work to fight for it and not just depend on one person to fight for you. Am I right or am I wrong?

If they really love each other, she should explain herself. We are just waiting for her to come, you know. We all are waiting for a very long time. And I am really looking forward to have this issue resolved because if not, this will continue to haunt us forever.

If she explain her side, she should also ask for a second chance. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? If she really wants to get along with us just like the old days for the sake of my brother and their relationship, she should sincerely ask for that second chance. I am pretty sure the people on our side would accept that. And I also hope that these people would be open-minded and adultly enough to accept that second chance. Because I am open for that chance. And she should show to us that she's worthy of everything my brother and everyone else just gave up for her and my brother's happiness. People lost jobs and been broke; tight family ties were ruined and friendships were put to trash; heads ached and hearts got broken. Just because of her, everyone's life is messed up. And it's so hard to get it back to the way it used to be-- the way were everything else was just simple and happy.

Again, as an observer of both sides, it really pains me to see it that way. I know it would be ultimately hard to get it back to the way it used to be. Everyone has moved on with their lives and trying to put it back together again, you know? Even if it is hard, people involved has no choice but to move on and continue living their lives.

I am hoping and praying that at the very least, this 2008, this thing will be patched up to release every burden this issue has put on everyone else's backs and hearts, most especially my brother's. I know it has been really hard for him but seeing him happy will make us more than happy for him.

Until this issue will be resolved, that's when I think, where everything will put itself on its right place -- the way it used to be or even better than that.

Last night, I did my homework for Monday and downloaded songs. Mom and dad aren't here because they went to Davao then to Cotabato to go to my uncle's who just passed away last Monday. So until now, I'm downloading songs. I have a lot of new songs on my playlist. Lol. I have found songs that I can relate to and songs that have good lyrics, at least for me.

And I walk out in silence
That's when I start to realize
What you bring to my life
Damn this guy can make me cry

CHORUS:
It's so contagious
I cannot get it out of my mind
It's so outrageous
You make me feel so high

All the time

So I walk out in silence
That's when I start to realize
What you bring to my life
Damn this guy can make me smile

I love this song! I saw it on YouTube then after I heard it and saw the lyrics, I instantly loved it! Maybe it's what I would like to feel someday. I want someone who can make me smile and cry at the same time. A guy who can make me feel so high. You know? It's like every moment with him, even if sometimes you have petty fights and quarrels, you still feel happy and love being with him. Whatever the circumstances are, good or bad, you still love being with that person. I'm still in search for that someone.

I really am a sucker for Koreanovelas, love stories, romantic comedy movies, and whatever it is involving love! Painful love, emo love, happy love, sacrificial love, everlasting love, unrequited love.. basta mga ganun. Tipong mattouch ka. Grabe, I really am a sucker for those. So if I'm looking for something that is just like what happens on koreanovelas or movies, blame them! Haha. Yeah.

You know how fairytales portray about meeting your prince charming and living happily ever after after you conquer the odds and defeat all the enemies. Sometimes it just happens in the fairy tales.

Those romantic films that tells a story about a guy and a girl meeting each at unusual circumstances. Just like in She's the Man, that was a funny movie. And Channing Tatum is hot! LOL.

The Koreanovelas that tells a story about a rich guy and a poor girl or vice versa, and their family don't agree with them being together; about childhood friends falling in love with each other, got separated, and after how many years meet each other again, already having different lives, and they get attracted to each other without knowing that they're their childhood friend, and they often see each other because of some connection with common friends. For example, Mr. X and Ms. B are the childhood friends. Mr. X and Y are bestfriends. Ms. A loves Mr. X. Mr. Y loves Ms. B. Mr. X and Ms. B falls in love with each other again. Just like the story of Spring Waltz.

Or those Koreanovelas that involves arranged marriages and the two people involved in the arranged marriage totally hate each other. For example, GirlA doesn't like GuyA who she needs to marry because their family arranged them to get married. GuyA loves another girl(girlB), and after how many years of being away from each other or after rejecting him, he still loves her. GuyA has a bestfriend or a cousin or whatever, who is GuyB and falls for GirlA. Eventually, GirlA falls for GuyA but GuyA is a cold-hearted person. Just like Princess Hours and Full House. But Full House is a different story. They faked their marriage naman.

The usual twists and turns, the usual characters, and the usual stories. But I never fail to LOVE their stories.

Those sad love stories like A Walk To Remember and The Notebook. If Only, too. Those are my all-time favorite love movies of all time. It always always makes me cry.

Stories that involve friends or best friends being in love with each other for a very very long time and not telling each other until they get older and someone would come into the picture making them crazily jealous. Some would let go, some would fight for the love. But those who lets go eventually gets together with their love. Because the one they love loves them too.

And they will all live happily ever after.

These films and stories portray about meeting the man or woman of your dreams. And eventually they fall for you. And you will be together forever. That sounds really nice, noh? But in reality, it doesn't happen often. You don't wait for your knight in shining armor to rescue you at the top of the tower, or your prince charming who will dance with you during a party and when the clock strikes 12 midnight, you go home and leave your shoe behind and he'll come and find whoever the owner of that shoe is. You don't always bump to the man of your dreams along the streets, or at unusual circumstances. You can't really find the perfect guy because there's no one perfect in this world. You shouldn't expect that the one you love will be outside your house at the wee hours of the morning just to say he's sorry while carrying a boombox playing your song. You shouldn't expect that the one you love will do what Shane West did for Mandy Moore in A Walk To Remember. You shouldn't expect the perfect date, the perfect kiss, and the perfect moment together. You shouldn't expect that the one you love will give you the stars and the moon and he will love you until the water runs dry. Why? Because no one can ever give you the stars and the moon because it's up in the sky and it can never be pulled. The one who swears that he will love you until the water runs dry and until the mountains can be moved? That's bullshit. Because waters can never run dry and mountains can never be moved. The one who says that his world revolves around yours? That's also bullshit. WTF, are you the effin' Sun of the solar system?

What I'm saying is that, these things rarely happen in reality which can be disappointing for people like me who really loves to watch those kind of movies dreaming that we will meet the one we love that way or the one we love will also do that for us. Fairytales forgot one detail, that it's not always happy ever after. Sometimes it's just once upon a time. And it ends there.

It sucks and it hurts. But that's the painful truth. That's the reality. But still, every girl dreams of her guy, the love of her life, to come along her way someday. Someone who can sweep her off her feet and who will love her more than she loves him. Someone who can never live without her and who she can never live without.

Love is mysterious and fate can make fun of us. We make mistakes. We make a fool out of ourselves just for the one we love. We also get fooled by people we love. But those people come to our lives for a reason and that is to strengthen us. Then someone will come along who will pick up the broken pieces of your heart and working really hard to put it back together again, even if he is hurting. Even if we don't get together with them, they come along to make us realize that it is still possible for us to love someone after a very painful heartbreak. Then we can open the doors of our hearts again.

I'm looking for a lover not a friend
Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I'm looking for someone who won't pretend
Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows the way
The way I like to have it my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking your the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me? (Could you be?)
Could you be the one I need?

I'm looking for someone to share my pain (Uh)
Someone who I can run to, who would stay with me when it rains
Someone who I can cry with trough the night
Someone who I can trust who's hardest right
And I'm looking for someone

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows the way
The way I like to it my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Want to share, shows he cares
Thinking your the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be this one I need?

Take for grant
How much I care (How much I care)
And appreciates that I'm there
Someone who listens
And someone I can call who isn't afraid of thought to share

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Perfect.

Gusto ko rin yung kagaya ni Shane West sa movie nila ni Mandy Moore.
I want someone who can be my solid ground.
I want someone who can be my knight in shining armor.
I want someone who can be my prince, and he will treat me as his princess.
I want someone who will treat me in a candlelight dinner near the beach as the sun sets.
I want someone who will write that he loves me on the sands of the beach.
I want someone who will proudly say and shout how much he loves me.
I want someone who will be man enough to stand up for me, for his responsibilities, and for what he believes in.
I want someone who will fight for me no matter what.
I want someone who will go through everything with me and never leave me no matter how hard it is.
I want someone who will take care of me.
I want someone who will support me of my dreams.
I want someone who loves his family and prioritizes his family.
I want someone who knows what his priorities are.
I want someone who will never hurt me in a way I won't want to get hurt; someone who will never fool me.
I want someone who will love me more than the way I love him.
I want someone who will be there to strengthen me, inspire me, and always be there for me when I ultimately need him.
I want someone who will treat me right.
I want someone who I deserve to be with.
I want someone who can lead me closer to God.
I want someone who can make me happy and sad; cry and laugh.
I want someone who will sing for me even if his voice sucks.
I want someone who will dance with me even if he has two left feet.
I want someone who I can feel comfortable and secure with.
I want someone who I can go with wherever our feet takes us.
I want someone who can be my everything and also would treat me as his everything.
Definitely, someone who I can be ultimately happy with no matter what the problems and conflicts are, someone who can assure me that as long as we stay tight together and we will be at each other's side, then everything will be fine.

But then again, not everything that we want we will have. Every girl wants a perfect man. And I am one of those. It's not bad to dream, ain't it?

I am an emotional and fragile person but I also am like any other girl who wants to be completely happy with her life, a life that she deserves to have.