Ms. Complicated

I am complicated.

Probably because I think about a lot of things. Worry so much about things. Everything.

I don't know what to do anymore. With myself, with everything.

I need a good cry. I need to reflect. But I don't know where to start.

I need lots and lots of wisdom... hope... and faith.

I need a dose of them.

Courage, bravery, strength.

I wish I am strong enough to handle things, to go on.

I wish I am strong enough to be transparent.

I wish I can be fully happy and content.

I wish I can be who and what I want to be whenever, wherever.

I wish I am not tired, physically and emotionally. and psychologically.

I wish I am happy enough...

I wish I could just go on forever like everything is good and alright.

I wish I would stop thinking everything I'm thinking. I wish I would stop overthinking everything.

I wish I was close enough with my family.

I wish I could open up to them.

I wish they could understand what I'm trying to say.

I wish they could see me..

as someone not so little anymore..
as someone who grew, changed, and has different perspectives, beliefs, and thoughts from the person I was before..
as someone rational and not someone shallow..

I wish they could know me better..

I wish I would stop pushing them away..

and other people who's important to me away.

I wish I could be stressed, sad, problematic but happy and content enough to get me through.

I wish life was better than this.

I wish life was just simpler.

I wish I was simpler... thought, wanted, and acted simple. Back to the way I had any heartache, lost myself, been broken, and crushed.

I wish.. I could just be happy.
Be hurt.
Cry.
Sad.
Stressed.
Pressured.
And all other emotions...
but happiness still overflows me.

So I would have the strength to go on.
I would be radiant.
Peaceful.
Bright and positive.

I miss myself.

I wish the pain would go away.

I miss everything, the way it was before.
I miss the good old days.

But things change.
We leave it be.
We live it.
We travel along.
We move on.

Things change.
For the better.
For us to learn.
For us to be better.

Things change.
And we accept it.
We choose to.
We chose to.

“Change is a funny thing. We are never quite sure what we are becoming, or why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got there.”
-Unknown

Sometimes I wonder how I really was back then. My memories of before are so vague now. I wish I could go back in time to see myself and how I was then.

I wish I could be strong to face everyday.

I wish I could tear these walls down.

I wish I could unfold myself and sing, "This is real, this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, Gonna let the light shine on me.."

or maybe this is just a phase. Actually, it is.

Art History class once taught me,
there is darkness because of the light.
Darkness is just a phase, it won't last long.
Soon enough, you'll see the light.

I hope I'm not too blind enough to see the light..
and everything.
Everyone.

I wish I'm not too blind to see things...

I wish I can say that I'm doing everything I do for Him, for His glory.

I wish I wasn't so complicated.