Stand in the rain

This is the first time, probably, that I refused to go with the group after dinner with my own will. I exactly don't know why or what the problem is with.. me. I don't have anything to do there, I said, which is exactly true. But even then I don't have anything to do, I always wanted to go with them. I always am fond of just listening to them speak to each other and learn. It's not that I'm avoiding their company cause believe me, I'm not. It's just that... it's hard to pretend you're happy when you're not.

It's been hard for me to keep my pretentious happy mask now. I've been very good at doing that but I can't seem to do that anymore. Is it because I have had too much things I have been repressing and escaping? I know. I always escape. I always detach and let go of my feelings. I always care what other people might feel. Reason why it's been hard for me to decide things on my own. I always care about what they might think.. that I don't care if I hurt anymore.

I need an alone time, you know? It's been a while since I cried hard and poured my heart out and just think and think.. and reflect without anyone ruining my momentum. I don't want anybody seeing me hurt or crying.

I should not be afraid. But I am. It's that one problem. I want my relationship with my mom as not just my mom but also as my best friend. Heck I don't even have a best friend. I know mom and dad knows how I'm feeling. I just know it. It's been a quiet ride home. And I can see they've been trying to have a small talk. I think they just don't know how to approach me, or even comfort me. They know. But they won't talk about it.

You know, it's me. Because I'm not sure if I'm ready to let them inside these walls I created myself with. I want to but I'm afraid that if I do, I'd be more vulnerable to the outside world. If I let my guard down, I'm afraid that I will just have my heart throbbing even more painful than it already is. The pain may not always be there, it comes and goes, but I know it is there because I can feel it. I know letting these walls down will make me freer, happier, and just... me. Problem solved, right? But I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't know when will I be.

And you know, sometimes... it gets tiring. I need to reflect and find myself. It's been missing since last year. POTA HINDI NA MATAPOS TAPOS.