Every time family matters are being talked about, I get so sensitive and sentimental.

I have talked to my brother's¹ ex-girlfriend through Friendster messaging. I'm glad that I still have contact with her and continue being good friends with her. And she has been there for me all the time, whenever I need her or not. She's a great person, but some people just couldn't stand how great she is that they ruined her reputation. Some people believed, but still most people didn't listen. I listened, but I didn't believe them. I don't really know them, but I know her. It's not my problem anyway because she didn't do something bad to me or something that would make me mad at her. Just like what a rational and wise person would do, I listened to both sides and I tried to understand both. It was hard, but it was a good decision anyway.

I told her about what my brother, Kuya Raymond² noticed between my Kuya Carlos and I. He told it to me when we were eating outside one night December of last year with his girlfriend. I knew he was right. I noticed that too but I just don't want to admit it. Why? Because he's my brother. It would be so unfair.

The thing about what my brother noticed is that, Kuya Puny and I have an awkward relationship as siblings. I don't know why. He's often masungit and I can't make kulit with him just like with my two other brothers. I am often afraid of asking him questions and usually hesitate to tell stories to him. About what happened to my day, what's up with my life, and anything and everything about life. I can talk to my other two brothers like that just fine.

Kuya Ian³, he's super makulit but when I talk to him as in talk, he's just there to listen. He's there to tell me whatever it is that I need to hear, not what I want to hear. When I make kulit with him, he's so there. I'm not afraid of seeing him annoyed at me or even shouting at me because I know he's not serious about it and he doesn't mean it at all. Although I am the one who always gets annoyed with him because he's just so.. plainly, annoying! Super makulit that I can't take it anymore and when I was young, he often makes me cry. Likewise with my Kuya Raymond, he's my super closest brother among the three and I consider him as my best friend. We have always been close since we were little. We always get along with each other, whatever it is: computer games, internet, techie stuff, comedy movies, and breakdancing, among others. I can have super serious talks with him. I can cry in front of him and he won't mind. He will understand me and he will talk to me and I will feel much better. As for Kuya Puny, I don't have that kind of moments with him that much. I usually am afraid of him. I don't want to annoy and make kulit with him so much because I am afraid that he will get mad at me and I don't know how he responds to those kind of things. I never have seen him mad. He usually is the quiet person. He's smart, so I often ask him about academic stuff. But I admire him so much because he's so talented(he can play the guitars, drums, and piano especially! He can also sing. Any song just by ear.), smart(he graduated valedictorian both in elementary and in highschool, went to UP Diliman for college), good-looking, responsible(super!), nice, approachable, friendly, and everything you could ask for a guy. He often was the middleman when my other two brothers tease me and he would ask them to stop. When I was young, I loved him for that. But as I got older, things were fine you know. I never noticed it until last year. We have an awkward relationship, which is sad. Maybe he's just got a lot of things in mind or tired, that it makes him masungit. I can't explain.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my brothers to death! And I know they love me more than anything in this world. I feel that, I know that. And I feel so lucky for having them as my brothers. I really really am!

So when I told this to my brother's ex-girlfriend..

Narealize ko nga pala, tama yung sabi ni kuya amon one time nung kumain kami sa labas nila ate therese, parang awkward yung relationship namin ni kuya puny kahit dati pa. Kasi parang hindi kami ganon ka-close or hindi ako ganun ka at ease sa kanya compared kila kuya Ian at amon. Feeling ko parang di ako makapagkwento sakanya ng kahit ano at natatakot ako magtanong sakanya. Ewan ko bakit. Hmm. Iniisip ko pa rin ngayon bakit. Sumagi lang sa isipan ko ulit. Haha. Lalim non, "sumagi" :))

She replied,

Don't think that way. Siguro talagang standoffish lang si kuya puny mo pero lagi naman syang nagku-kwento sa akin tungkol sayo. Baka ikaw lang yung nahihiya sa kaniya. Maybe you should start making "lambing" or something like that. Alam mo naman yun. Alam mo when he talked to you, siguro nasaktan sya kasi feeling nya, kasali ka sa mga nangyayari. Ayaw nya kaya he confronted you. Basta. Hindi ko ma-explain. mahal ka ng mga kuya mo. At alam ko na mahal na mahal ka din ni kuya carlos mo. Hindi lang talag sya showy. Alam mo yun. Makulit lang talaga si kuya amon at kuya ian mo. Kaya makulit ka din sa kanila. Si kuya carlos mo kasi feeling obliged kaya masungit! hahaha! Anyway, miss na din kita! I'll see you when i get back! :) Muah! Excited na ako dun sa party ko. hehehe! :)

Maybe I just am shy. But oftentimes I'm not. So I don't get why I can't open up to him just like my other two brothers. The only time I opened up to him was during the times I cried so hard over my college dilemma, which I opened up to my Kuya Raymond and I started crying so hard that he called my Kuya Puny. He was there for me. I felt how much he cared for me and how much it pains him to see me crying like that. Maybe I just need to loosen up a bit.

I feel that he's trying so hard to reach out to me, you know? Every time when we go to church and the time comes when we make a sign of peace to each other, he goes to me and says, "Peace tayo, Cha." Just last Sunday, he said that to me again and kissed me on the cheek. He was probably making up for the times that he hurt me. He knew it. But I already forgave him. It is nothing now, it probably hurt back then, but it really is nothing now.

Since my Kuya Ian got married last September, Kuya Puny and I hang out a lot more often now. That's because he's the one who drives me to and from school most of the time. Our favorite radio station is Magic 89.9, especially during the morning with Good times. Every after their set-ups, he tells me a lot of stories about it: what happened, how tired he was, how tired everyone was, how he's so annoyed at the organizer or the pasaway people, how he's so pissed with what happened, and all that. I just listen. I just listen.

Maybe it's the start. Maybe the time will come when I will be the one talking and he will be the one listening. It's just not now. It's still on the process. I'm still working that out.

Nevertheless, I am so lucky and happy and so grateful for having them as my brothers. They never fail to let me feel how much they love and care for me.

I know Kuya Puny cares a lot for me. He just won't show it to me directly. And me likewise, I don't show to him directly how much I love and care for him.

¹ Kuya Carlos/Puny; 2nd eldest brother.
² 3rd eldest brother.
³ Eldest brother.