I just don't know what's wrong. :(

Every day that passes seems to be more and more scarier for me each day.

I have never been this scared as in like every day for my whole life. It's like every single day there's something that's going to happen that I won't like. Of course, I know that 'cause that's the way life goes. But it's just different now you know? It's starting to get harder and harder for me. I don't know what keeps me holding and moving on and getting through the day. It's like every day I want to go through and fight through these pile of needles that won't even bother to hurt me.

Why worry if you can pray?

I know. I even had that on my planner so as to always remember that I can do things. I can make possible the things that seem impossible to me. I can reach greater heights. That I can. I know I can. But I can't seem to grasp that fact. It's like a part of me doesn't want to accept it.

I know how I can easily relate to Julia in Dead Stars. It's because I'm this simple, jolly, and cheerful girl back then. I'm not really complicated at all. Then things happened. And I've lost my luster. I was broken, shattered, hurt. As much as I want to complete myself and as much as I want to believe that it was my turn to be happy, I turned away. It was cause if I knew that in the first place, I wouldn't have got in that situation at all. Just like Julia.

And I've lost myself.

After three years, I thought I had myself back with me. I thought I can now say to myself that I am happy and contented in every aspect of my life. But no, I can't.

As much as I want to love someone and want someone, I can't. I can. But I don't want to. Yet. It's nice... you know feeling the glory of first love. Experiencing it first hand rather than reading it in books and watching it in movies.. and dreaming about it. But I can't... not with things bothering me. There's just a lot of things I need to figure out myself.

You see, I have problems. And I don't even have a single freakin' clue what that is. And it sucks. It's frustrating. It feels like I'm not the same me anymore. Sure yeah, people change but this is different. Back in high school, we were taught how to be at ease and confident with ourselves. And I was. When I first stepped into high school, I was this shy quiet girl waiting to come out of her shell. High school came and went, I learned how to conquer my fears; learned how to be confident with myself; learned to accept myself; learned how to interact with people without much difficulty; and learned to be strong. I got so used to being in front of people and I've always been the positive thinker, always giving light to everyone.

College came, it was all good. I was happy. Very. Until... I don't know when. But it dawned on me. I'm not the same anymore. It's like I've lost a part of me. I'm not so confident anymore. I'm not so optimistic like before. It felt as if I was too weak to handle things. I easily become afraid of things that might come my way.

It sucks how everyday can be so scary for you. Like you don't want to live through that day but you have to.

It's like dead stars. They're still sitting in the appointed in their places in the sky but doesn't have the same brightness and warmth as before. It's sad.

I wonder if it's because of the people who have hurt me, left, I love or I miss. OR if it's just me feeling that people don't actually care. I mean this is so frustrating, knowing what's right from wrong and what's true from false, but is contradicting to what you're exactly feeling.

I feel incomplete. I actually don't know what to feel anymore.

Was this because of last summer? Partly.
Then what the fuck is this about?

Different things now provide me happiness. Then after, when they're gone, it all seems so dull.

This is me, lost and confused. As much as I don't want to admit it, because it looks like I don't pray or believe in God at all. But in fact, I actually do believe in Him, I pray.. every single day or maybe every other day if I don't get to every day. I just don't get how things can get this way.

Frustrating how I'm feeling this way when things actually goes exactly the way I want and planned it to be. My family's doing good in terms of relationship. I love them more than ever and we've been closer more than ever. I study in the college I want to in the major I love to do. I go to church every Sunday. I have friends who are always there for me: fun or sad times.

It's frustrating. It gets very lonely.
I've never felt so alone in my life. :(
Yet I feel I'm not so alone.