Shining star under the dark clouds.

For all the times I thought everything was okay and I thought I was okay, still there's this black cloud hovering over me as if hindering me to be happy and shine.

This black cloud, I think, is me.

I do not know what the eff' is wrong and I do not know what I should do.

I am unhappy.

When at home, I feel kind of being always misunderstood. I feel kind of being invisible.

I easily get irritated. When they talk to me or notice me and try to be sweet and all, usual stuff we would do back then, I do not even care sometimes. I mean, I make them feel like I neglect their presence and not appreciate them. When actually I do, it's just this black cloud that prevents me from doing so.

I do not know how to fight it.

I want to, but it overcomes me. It wins over me.

My smile doesn't reach my eyes anymore most of the time. I want it to. I need it to.

It doesn't have anything to do with family, with school, with friends, or with anything else for that matter. This is me, now. This is all me.

I need to figure this out myself. I need to figure this out fast enough but not to the point of rushing. I need to figure this out fast enough while trying not to push away the people around me and to the point of hurting them.

My heart. It has a lot to give. And it's something I treasure most. But the sorrow is eating it slowly.

I want to be happy. And I do not know how.

Sure, I've followed my heart and I am happy. I was happy. I still am. But there's something missing.

I do not know what to follow yet. Cos I do not know what my heart says.

Actually I do, but I am scared.

I am always scared. I always was.

But, this is not just about that. Something more, deep.

And I do not know what is.

I just had to let this out. I've been like this since last year. Everything's not the same anymore, you know? I've had the chance to be happy but I couldn't seem to grasp it cos I'm afraid to. I'm afraid it will just pass, and leave me crying.

Being a fanatic is just what makes me happy for the moment. And people are noticing it like I'm some crazy ass. I'm not. It just feels good to admire someone out of your reach once in a while. It feels good to dream of someone fictional, someone like you can never have in reality. It feels good to while away from the real world to some fictitious story with fictitious characters in a book in a real place. It makes me feel good.

But there are also times when I feel like I'm back with my old self, like being able to talk with my family. My brother Raymond, for instance. I always love our talks while on the road. Nostalgia, brings back the old times. It makes me feel like someone understands, like someone actually care.

Don't get me wrong though, there are a lot of things that make me happy. But those are things that can't hurt me. And I prefer it to be that way, until I figure this mess out.

Until I can be myself again. The not-so-overly-confident but optimistic me; the cheerful, bubbly, joyful lady everybody loves; the girl that everybody once knew; the girl who by that time will turn into a lady and be the sun among the dark clouds.

And shine as her own self.